The 70-year-old rarely grieves over the separation. But there are times when her emotions completely take over her leaving her with broken heart and teary eyes. [break]
“I was just 16 when first of my children was born. He used to remain sick often. But my husband was with me then and so it was not very difficult to take care of my son,” Tamang said. “Two years later, I had a daughter. Soon after, my husband died. Only I know what troubles I went through to raise the children.”
Tamang came to an old age home seven years ago after nobody was ready to look after her. She suffers from severe muscle pain and hardly likes to speak about her family or why she sought refuge at the Aamaghar run by Dil Shova Shrestha.
In fact, sometimes she even says that she does not have any children. “I do not remember them much. Why would I miss them when they do not remember me? They never come here to see me though they do not live very far,” said Tamang.
“But during Dashain and Tihar the faces of my grandchildren dance before my eyes. I wish I could have just a glimpse of their faces. If their parents had taught them to love their grandmother, they would not have ignored me like this.”
Tamang bursts into tears.
Dil Kumari Shrestha, another elderly abandoned by her own children, had been closely listening to the conversation and was full of tears.
“Some of those here do not have any children. That´s best,” quips Dil Kumari. “If you don´t have kid, you are less likely to get hurt.”
Shrestha is quite gentle and humble by nature. It is hard to believe that she can harm anyone, let alone her own kids. Some 5 years ago, she had to leave home following some argument with her daughter-in-law.
“While leaving home, my son had told me not to worry as he would come to visit me regularly. Even another son had told me that he would come here time to time,” said Shrestha. “It has been five years since but they have never set foot here. I used to go to see my grandchildren for the first two years. But no more,” she added.
According to Shrestha, she had to stop going to her sons´ house as she never received warm welcome. Both of her sons´ are based in Kathmandu.
“My grandchildren used to go to boarding school. And I think they still miss me. But I have not seen them for a long time now. I wish I could see them at least during the festivals like Dashain and Tihar.”
Dil Shova Shrestha who has been running the home for 18 years says that old ladies easily fall sick when they start talking about their children and begin to miss them terribly. She has observed that the mothers showing such mood mainly during Dashain season.
“I try to make them happy. I want them to forget their past and be happy with whatever they have at the present. But during festivals, they get quite emotional. It is because quite a few of them have their children around Kathmandu and they feel so ignored,” said Dil Shova.
Dil Shova has even noticed that the elderly women who got married but never had any children look rather happier than those who were abandoned by their children. “It is the attachment that keeps them sad and weak. Those who never had kids have no such worries as they never experienced being a mother,” she said adding that the children who fail to take care of their old and ailing parents are actually giving them death much early than they would have naturally died.
Mita Rana, senior clinical psychologist at Tribhuvan University Teaching Hospital (TUTH) agrees. According to her, sense of insecurity, loss and loneliness is what gradually kills the elderly people from inside. “Whether they live own home or in old age home, what the elderly people need is love and care, and they need it from their own children. In lack of this, depression and many other health issues among the elderly people in the city is growing,” she said.
“They need the helping hand especially when they are not very well. When their children are not before to care for them during the time of their need, they cannot cope up with the situation,” Rana added.
Meanwhile, Kanchhi Tamang wished that her grandchildren too treated her son and daughter equally ruthlessly during their old age. “When you hurt your mother, your children are going to hurt you too. It is very simple as they grow up seeing how much you have cared your parents.”
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